random things in my mind

Last night, my flatmate celebrated that he passed the NCLEX licensure exam last month but he didnt want to tell me at first thinking id be hurt. i am happy for him and i know he deserved it. but partly, i thought about myself.

i know i didnt show him how i deeply felt but to be honest, i blocked my memory with regards to NCLEX since the time i failed. it was the only way for me to move forward by blocking it in my memory and forgetting it for a few months.

its been 2 months since i failed … since he brought about the topic, everything just came back, the memory that i studied well for it ( or a least i know i tried to)

this morning, a friend sent me some ebooks on NCLEX bless her heart as she wanted to help me out. but is this the sign for me to have a 2nd try and take again?

i accompanied my friend to have her cravings of dumplings by a place in Cambridge Marketplace.

enjoying these dumplings from a tiny store here

these are seafood and chive dumplings (my order) -fried

and my friend’s order pork and chive dumplings

i can read the mandarin meals written on the wall. and i can understand the sellers mandarin conversation. i guess they found out i understood every word they said. hence the seller, then talked to me in fluent Mandarin. i felt shy. my Mandarin skills are long gone. no one can talk to me that way here… except for them i guess. still the conversation went well, he seemed impressed of my skills. he asked my age too which he laughed so hard thinking i was a student but i answered no,im working here as nurse. its nice to have met someone who can talk mandarin though, been a year more here and i miss my chinese language. i told him i used to watch chinese tv shows with my parents back in Philippines but i also watch Pinoy or Filipino shows  when they are away. after our meal, i thanked them telling them the dumplings are the best ive tasted. and would come back for more.

and then i treated my friend to a tall starbucks latte 🙂

we went back home as she still has a shift tonight. the nclex exam still lingered my mind. i am so confused.

after my lunch, i set out to walk around cambridge. wondering around the place. because the more i think about nclex, the more i worry.

its Christmas here in Cambridge. below are photos of my exploration in Cambridge for this afternoon.

the Round Church – Holy Sepulchre, Cambridge

http://www.christianheritage.org.uk/Groups/257761/Home/Round_Church/Round_Church.aspx

museum of Cambridge but i havent entered it as its late hihi

St. Giles Church

this ends my journey. i went home and still did more research about the nclex for California. clearly my efforts show that … you cant easily have the pass to take the RN nclex exam if you are a Philippine Graduate of BSN. still i dont have a choice not unless my fiancee would agree to moving out of California heheh which he doesnt like to. i’d like to end this blog entry with a prayer.

Dear Lord,

these are one of the storms in my life. i know if i trust you, i musnt worry, but sometimes i cant help it. i must trust you more to give me strength and courage which i need to make it through. at the end of the day, even if i dont understand my life, or which way should i go, i trust your plans for me will always be good in the end.

amen 🙂

failure

I took my NCLEX exam last September 28, 2015 8:15 am.

i will write down my experience on my first take to serve as reminder for everyone and to myself …that eventhough failure is not in our vocabulary as of course all of us wanted to succeed, sometimes, its just not your time to shine yet.

to be honest on September 27, 2015 , i came back from night shift work and i was able to sleep a short while from 10 -1:30 pm i think… i was really nervous and anxious for my exam tomorrow. i went to church that afternoon seeking for guidance for tomorrow’s exam. it was so cold that afternoon that i stopped by costa coffee shop and had a sip of capuccino and meeting one of my closest friends in Cambridge.

i studied again a bit and then hoping to sleep well before the exam but i didnt really sleep. i even drank nasatapp (a medication for colds)  but i couldnt sleep. the only thing i did was bug my fiancee. he has been really supportive though and i think it was my nervousness that wouldnt calm down caused me not to s;eep that night.

waking up to 4am as i need to catch the train leaving 5:20am. together with my flatmate we left for Cambridge station to London Liverpool Street. We then went to underground station to Holborn. haing our breakfast at Mcdonalds. and then i walked to Pearsonvue testing area.

a lot of fingerprinting checks have been made and a photo taken prior to exam. they allowed us to put everything in a locker safely. sitting down on the exam room , i felt my heart pumping nervously but i began the test by having a deep breath and a short prayer. most questions are so difficult, and being a child nurse is a big disadvantage to this to be honest. all questions were adult questions, medical surgical.

my computer stopped at around 165 i think. i went out, my head very blank…. and knew i failed from then on. because i wasnt confident i passed..and i just have that gut feeling. after 2 hours of the test, i tried the pearsonvue trick written on allnurses.com. it led me to inputting my credit card details to pay again, to which i did with a heavy heart as i knew it meant i failed. i ruined this day and i felt sorry for my 2 flatmates who went together with me just to take my exam. we had shopping around Victoria’s Secret or moe on they did… hehe but i dont find it appealing now that my mood was ruined. i cried a bit during lunch meal at Nandos. we all went home tired but for me it helped that i didnt sleep much so by that night i was so tired i slept.

“Failure is part of success” – or maybe this is just what my mind keeps telling me. i have been crying for days dont get me wrong …. its not just about the fail on nclex im crying about..im crying about my position in my current hospital. (because we had a meeting on 29th September about our placement in the hospital and it makes us all worried as well as we didnt have enough funds to be part of the hospital as a regular staff. most of my batchmates hopes were shattered. including me during the meeting) i think what made me cry was i have to give up such a good hospital..and all my efforts in rising in the ranks to start all over again from scratch. i dream to be a good NICU nurse back to what i am capable of doing in Philippines, being in UK i was striving to go back to what I am capable of but it turns out differently as we werent allowed to do so, thats why i was climbing back up slowly..only to find … due to insufficient funds and the hospital couldnt help us, i’ll give up this place. i think my friend in Surrey will be happy i have a chance moving there though. if they have a NICU in their hospital.

To be honest yesterday … 30 September we werent really ourselves even at the flat. all of us kept thinking of what is best for us…to pay up and be permanent staff or stay as a travelnurse in our agency. I was lucky my agency manager was really very kind, i told her everything about the meeting and that im worried. she was really supportive telling me that she will work it out that if possible my 9 months to complete will still be in NICU somewhere in London.

it was on this 30th September where my supportive fiancee paid to see my result as well and sure enough it was FAIL. i think with that i was crying too because of my unsure status here in UK as a nurse. being first batch isnt nice as they say and we are so experimental… its always us being picked on, the 2nd batches and next ones always get the best …. still im not selfish , i believe its best to help other batches by giving them early information… so as not like our batch we werent prepared with the huge sum of money needed… and would wish my friends well, so i would tell the 2nd batch after me to prepare the huge sum of money required so that by next year May they would be able to be direct hire and part of regular staff in my current hospital. so this whole day i was crying smiling crying again its like a stupid cycle..i ate so much sweets …my mouth wont stop eating hehe stress eater =.=

that same night my manager from the agency called again and it somehow calmed me down. she told me she has found job opportunities for me in London. which are also NICU. just that i am not sure if im ready to jump to London because it is a very busy place. and i am not that good with transportation in London. it is also a bit scary at night.

problems arise to make us stronger or at least thats what i believe …. and for all my failures and problems now , aside from my family and fiancee and friends that i can turn to…. i know i can turn to God for help and guidance.

Dear God,

may be it isnt my time yet to pass the NCLEX exam … maybe its isnt my luck yet to stay as permanent staff in the hospital im working in… i know your plans are better than mine. but to be honest … i wanted BOTH. i wanted to be a NCLEX passer and be a permanent staff nurse… i wanted them both so bad. but until it is the right time, i am willing to push harder and study again for the NCLEX 2nd time around. I am willing to trust in your judgement that maybe working in Redhill Surrey or in London would be better for me. just maybe … i pray for your continuous guidance in my last year here in UK  ( that is till my fiancee and i would be successful in the papers we plan to submit) … thank you God for this failure and for every problem you give… i know you have a better plan far ahead for me which i am willing to trust and wait for it to unfold.

countdown

My upcoming examination is getting into my nerves though i dont show it …subconsciously it affects my sleep and rest.

2 weeks from now is the day.

I leave it all in your hands Lord. You already know the future and you know if I will pass or fail ..and so whatever the result, please help me to accept it

.

review and choices in life

today has been a productive day for my reviewing or sort of i called it as CRAMMING review for my upcoming exam.

I tried my best and I am praying for a passing result.

Just keep answering questions, reading rationales and I am hoping to nail and beat NCLEX with my first try.

cross roads in life are difficult sometimes you just have to risk because you dont know which path is best. I am lucky to have my fiance and my family take part in the choices i will make with my career path here in UK… which is to stay as agency nurse or to be hired as a permanent staff. it will be another big decision for me to make weighing with the pros and cons.

It has been the topic in our flat… Its good so far my fiance, my family and I have the same decision for now which is to stay in being agency nurse. but sometimes the paid annual leaves are tempting.

i pray for continuous guidance for my future. Let your will be done Lord as I believe in you. You are my strength …my shield…

the countdown

The quote above is just what i need to keep me going.

and check out this video of a little cute kid on taekwondo who doesnt give up and got his white belt… 🙂

the video tells us not to give up even if everyone is laughing at us , we should be like this little kid 🙂

it is my off day but i have a lot to do on my list aside from reviewing. but no matter what i have to squeeze in reviewing as a top priority for now.

I worry less when I pray more and believe that whatever the outcome is …that is God’s plan for me.

1 month and 5 days to go …. before i take my exam

don’t give up and as i always say to myself , aja! fighting! 🙂 (from korean telenovelas , lol )

and above all else, greet the day with a thankful heart and always choose happiness and love 🙂

thank you God for letting me wake up – tired from yesterdays work but happy to have a chance to rest today.

Exam cram

Back to reality that i have a goal to pass or (hopefully pass) my upcoming exam this September 28, 2015. I know im cramming.as im left with 1 month and 9 days. I will try my best to study daily. Answer questions as much as i can no matter how tired.

Today i could say i did well as i finished 140 questions from morning till afternoon 4:30pm. Including reading rationale. My fiance helped too i dont know why but if he watches me i would focus hehe maybe he reminds me of my goal coz he is there.

To be honest i dont know if ill pass … i know if i do… it is all Gods help and miracle. Working here in UK is not all easy. As i have written on my previous entries … off days are spent on  cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry, folding clothes, skyping my family and fiance … on work days even if you plan to study after work …your body is already sore by then… tiredness and fatigue so …usually my plan to study isnt successful but i would wake up 3am to study at least 20 questions.

I have to say that …. i am preparing myself for the possible good and possible bad outcome. Either id pass or fail. So much pressure from my family especially my mom… to whom i kept telling what if my luck runs out…but she insists that because there are times im negative..and among her children…i am the most successful according to her that nothing will block my path.-.- I am lifting it all to God because I know He has a plan for my future.

Hoping under His mercy … He will hear my prayer.

the eligibility letter

received this today after a long day shift… finally got the letter..for real 🙂

thank you God

July 2015 : nclex application update

I made a hasty decision yesterday. It kept my heart pounding hard and thenlast time i felt that was during having an interview for my post as a NICU nurse.

Update for my nclex application. I received an email at 21st of july 2015 stating that my education was approved on 20th july 2015 and a letter has been sent. It meant my cgfns is okay. And i can proceed with my application. This is early for me as im expecting it on August really but it came on earlier.

Making the hasty decision as ive said earlier. I proceeded headig over to pearsonvue website. Made an account ….Registered….and Paid 200 usd for the NCLEX RN test. After which i received an email stating to wait for approval as i will be receiving an email from them for ATT and then i can schedule my exam date.

To be honest i havent been reviewing. Working overseas…on my off days i spend it doing laundry, cleaning house, and my bedroom, going to grocery, cooking and preparing lunches for my next workdays … it ends the day off. Other days i would sleep in afternoon…as my body is catching up rest periods i missed last week due to hectic schedule.

I have to push harder and persevere .

My goal to study last night didnt work. My bf was laughing at me deep down i know hahahaha still im thankful he was supportive. Hoping him.to continue as im planning to think of another way for me.to achieve studying and going to work as well. So that my aim to take the test on last week Sept 2015 or early October 2015 will reach. My ultimate goal is to pass before i go back to Philippines for vacation on January 2016. But we shall see if its in God’s plan as well. And on my end i will work hard.

progress

Finally there is progress in my applications.

1. Nclex

   

Upon seeing this, it made me relieved that my application was delivered safely. I was scared because this is an important document. And through God’s grace, it reached its destination safely.

2. UK

I still need to schedule myself though but the email yesterday was a relief ! It concluded my application went into the right place even after days without news of it.

So far postmail hsnt failed me to date!

With a loving God , i thank Him for a

step three for nclex: sending off the application to nysed

This was the day i received my so called sos or help from.my bf. As his mail arrived today.

I was so touched he even included a photo and a letter in it. Thankyou so much ! ^-^ it made me happy and blessed.

And here finally it is… theres no turning back. I included my application, the certificates on child abuse and infection control and the fee… sending it off.

Hoping for positive news…… about my application.